The New Mom

A:

I'll say that my mom let me get away with doing almost no chores, and I had a really difficult time when I moved out. I even had to learn how to cook. It just was never integrated into my daily life with things like doing the dishes and vacuuming and laundry that she always dealt with. So, I think it’s both important and reasonable to have your kids learn certain chores as they’re growing up. My son is only 2 years old so he doesn't have chores, but he does "help" me with everything I do around the house. I think it's important that he knows and recognizes everything that goes into taking care of himself and the house.

-- Shawn, mother of one toddler

The Experienced Mother

A:

While your job as a parent is to take care of your kid, it's also to help shape them to be ready for adulthood. When they move out, what life skills have you taught them? Will they be completely blindsided because they don't know how to load a dishwasher or turn on a load of laundry?

Yes, it’s your job to take care of them, but it’s also your job to teach them how to not be reliant on you and be independent. That doesn’t have to look harsh. It can be little things, even as soon as they're walking. You just give them age-appropriate tasks and focus more on the effort than the result for the time being. For example, putting toys away as a young toddler is a good start. When they’re that little, just focus on getting them to simply put toys back in boxes or bins. Sure, you'll probably have to reorganize that yourself later since they’re too young to fully comprehend your system, but that’s not the point. You want to reinforce the action of putting stuff away. You can fine-tune it and work on putting stuff away in the correct place when they're older.

When doing laundry, you're probably not going to have your 3-year-old running the machine or folding, but you can have them hand you stuff from the basket to put in. As they get older, you can add more significant tasks until they're old enough to do everything themselves. When making dinner, you won't have a 5-year-old cutting the veggies, but you can have them mix the ingredients. When doing lawn work, your 5-year-old probably isn't going to be operating the lawn mower, but you can have them pull weeds with you. And so on.

If you’re asking "What age should a kid be expected to do chores by themselves without my help/supervision?" …well, that kind of depends on the kid and the chore. I'd say any school-age kid is probably old enough to do things like "clean your room" or "set the table." But anything more significant like laundry, yard work, cooking, or that sort of thing may not be until around age 10. As I said, it just depends on the kid and the expected chore. There’s no real one-size-fits-all answer.

-- Katie, mom of four grown children

The Doctors' Approach

A:

Should children have to do chores? Doctors say yes. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), engaging children in chores from as early as age 3 offers numerous benefits, especially when it comes to fostering self-esteem, responsibility, and essential coping skills. While attitudes toward chores vary among children, involving them in age-appropriate tasks can contribute to their overall development. Chores help children learn time management and organizational skills, how to accept family responsibilities, provide opportunities for success, and instill a balance between work and play.

To effectively introduce chores, AACAP recommends several strategies. 

• Set clear and reasonable expectations. Let your child know precisely what they need to do. 
• Clearly communicate tasks, such as taking out the trash after breakfast, to avoid confusion.
• Establish regular routines, such as cleaning up before dinner, to help create consistency. Consistency is key, as changing rules and expectations can lead to frustration and confusion.
• Tailor tasks to the child's age. For younger children, focus on small, manageable tasks, making them enjoyable and cooperative through the use of songs or games. For instance, 2 to 3-year-olds can put away toys and dress themselves with help, while 10 to 11-year-olds can change sheets and assist with kitchen or bathroom cleaning. Teens can take on more responsibilities, such as washing the car or helping with younger siblings. Implementing a star chart or reward system with specific goals can help monitor progress and encourage positive behavior. 
• Lead by example. Model the behavior you want to see in your kids, as children are more likely to adopt good habits when they observe them in others. 
• Offer positive feedback and reinforcement. Expressing pride when a chore is completed contributes to a positive atmosphere.

Doctors caution that while it may be tempting to complete chores faster by doing them oneself, the long-term benefits of teaching children these skills outweigh the initial time investment. Recognizing that learning these skills is a process, parents should be patient and provide guidance when necessary. 

If you're concerned about a consistently procrastinating child, the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests consulting your pediatrician for reassurance or a potential referral to a child psychiatrist or psychologist. This evaluation not only addresses home responsibilities but also looks into possible underlying issues, like attention difficulties, often mistaken for procrastination. Early intervention is crucial for the child's future success.

The Holistic Approach

A:In many Montessori-orientated families, the issue of chores is approached more holistically. Children aren’t required to do chores, and there is no “chore chart.” Rather, children are encouraged to notice and recognize the multiple tasks that help the household function. With this parenting approach, the goals are to help children:

• take responsibility for and have ownership of their environment,
• learn how to solve problems,
• be respectful of their living space, and
• learn how to contribute or offer help to the family.

In the book Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans, author  Michaeleen Doucleff suggests that a chore chart might even deter a child from doing chores:

"Because the whole goal is for children to pay attention to the world around them and learn when particular chores are needed. If a chore chart tells a child to do the dishes on Tuesday, sweep on Wednesday, and take the garbage out on Friday, then a child may come to the conclusion that these tasks are the only ones they need to do. Then the child doesn't pay attention at other times, or they may even learn to ignore chores not on the chart."

From a holistic parenting perspective, you’re not simply raising a child who will obey commands or follow a chart. You’re teaching them how to notice the world around them and help contribute to the household so that it runs more smoothly. 

So, what does this look like in real life? You can encourage children to do chores willingly by:

• Reminding and asking, not forcing or pressuring.
• Modeling positive chore behavior.
• Using positive language for chores and life tasks.
• Setting basic expectations, starting early with age-appropriate tasks.
• Doing chores alongside our children, especially when learning new skills.
• Empowering them with the necessary skills for chores.
• Letting go of perfection and breaking tasks into smaller steps.
• Providing child-size tools when needed.
• Being patient and allowing time for skill mastery.
• Demonstrating chores with minimal words.
• Identifying and catering to each child's preferences.
• Offering options suitable for all ages.
• Lowering expectations and making chores fun when possible.
• Recognizing positive contributions without excessive praise.
• Observing children during chores to assess their abilities and satisfaction.
• Removing barriers hindering task completion.
• Encouraging 'real' chores with genuine meaning, not as a bribe or punishment.
• Supporting the child's autonomy in developing independence through chores.

The ultimate goal is to nurture capable, successful, and helpful contributors who feel a sense of belonging through meaningful family chores.

The Bottom Line on Whether Children Should Have Chores

Understanding the available toddler reward systems is crucial in making the right choice for your child's temperament and behavior. Each child is distinct, and as a parent, you are the best judge of your child's needs. Reward systems can be particularly effective for goal-oriented tasks like potty training or getting your toddler to stay in bed at night. However, if you have any concerns about your child's behavior, seek guidance from their pediatrician or healthcare provider.

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